Brad & Angelina Should Just Bone and Get It Over With

Today when I was at the gym, and in the middle of doing some gnarly ass shoulder press flies, I saw an interesting story on the television. Apparently Brad Pitt and Angeline Jolie have been in the middle of a two year divorce. I thought to myself, “That can’t be right. They’ve adopted, like, 12 kids”. Their holy union was the result of infidelity. Haven’t they spent a good portion of their time together telling other people how to live? I THOUGHT THEY WERE THE PERFECT COUPLE! Well it would appear we’ve all been lied to. I guess even the Hollywood Elite, the gods and goddesses that allow us to share this planet with them and gift us with constant access to their every day lives, aren’t above the hassles of divorce. I thought they were so full of love and tolerance that they’d be able to sign whatever papers within 36 hours of filing.

Oh. My. Holy. Shit. That was too sarcastic for even me, and I wrote the damn thing.

Look…here’s the long and short of it, and I’m going to be as venomously real as I can be for the rest of the article. This is not news, these people are not special, and this circus is laughably ridiculous. Where once a power couple stood, now stands a crater that should remind the public at large (but it probably won’t because people are stupid) that “celebrities” are people too, and they by & large shouldn’t be emulated. Why do people care? Why the legitimate fuck is this a news story, covered by people who are speculating wildly over a couple because of something an unnamed source who always happens to be close with the family shares with the reporters at the exact right time? 

Brad Pitt hasn’t had a decent leading role since 2014’s Fury, and although he has three movies in the works, he’s only been in the media for two things: his divorce and his super amazing cameo in Deadpool 2.

Good ol’ Brad. Always relying on his looks.

Good ol’ Brad. Always relying on his looks.

On the same side of that particular token, Angelina Jolie has also not had a decent leading role since 2014’s Maleficent. Sure her directing career is fairly decent (Unbroken being the only film out of 4 motion pictures to concretely support that statement), but she too has pretty much flown under the radar for a few years.

Except. The goddamn. Divorce.

So let’s look at this course of events. Super quickly, though. I’ve already used more brain power on this than I wanted to.

It started when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were married. Then came Mr. & Mrs. Smith, which in all reality was a hella tight movie. There were rumors about Pitt and Jolie hooking up on set, which this isn’t high-school, so it’s really none of our business. Just make movies. I don’t get why Hollywood doesn’t get that. I want to see them make movies and nothing else. Except maybe they could come to my birthday party ::cough::TOMHOLLANDROBERTDOWNEYJRANDTHERUSSOBROTHERS::cough:: The rumors became Hollywood canon, Pitt divorced Aniston, then there were some adoptions, followed by 3 kids that were legitimately birthed out of one of the holes that Billy Bob Thornton was once familiar with* (ew). Six years after six kids (three adopted, three biological, try to keep up because I can’t), they finally married in 2014. In 2016 they filed for divorce. So after collecting kids like Pokémon, their marriage lasted a little over two years.

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Here’s where I exercise my freedom of the press/speech/opinion, whatever. The whole divorce thing is merely a tactic to remain in the public eye until their next big movies are released. Why do I suggest this? For starters, as someone who constantly craves attention in an unhealthy manner, I can usually tell when someone else also craves attention. Second, while on their honeymoon, they filmed a movie called By The Sea, which happens to be about a couple who tries to repair their marriage. I’m pretty sure they made the movie to reflect on the fact that they got married in an attempt to fix their relationship. I’m going to use a context clue here. Let me get through this before you tell me to shut up.

  • Pitt and Jolie spoke out in favor of gay marriage and its legalization for a very long time.

  • They stated they wouldn’t say their vows until absolutely everyone could legally do the same.

  • The couple got married on August 23rd, 2014.

  • There was a super scathing article calling the now Pitt-Jolie out on their shit.

  • Gay marriage was legalized in the US on June 26th, 2015.

Why oh WHY would they completely toss their morals aside and tie the knot almost a full year before something the believed in so passionately came to fruition? The smart money is on them trying to save a failing relationship that 3 adopted kids and 3 kids out of wedlock wouldn’t fix. The dumb money is on the possibility that the Hollywood elite have strong ties to the Illuminati, and they knew gay marriage was going to happen before anyone else.

Now, to neatly wrap this article up, I’m completely aware of the hypocrisy that’s been oozing through my writing this whole time. All that talk about wild speculation from a news reporter, making it news when it’s not news, wondering where the shiny happy people went so tragically wrong in their seemingly perfect lives. Yet I’ve spent a solid 2 hours trying to cohesively put these thoughts together. Personally, I think this article sucks, and I’m disappointed in myself for writing it.

But that’s my point…

This whole situation is fucking stupid. It’s not news, and their children don’t really deserve to be put in the middle of a situation such as this. These people aren’t perfect. Stop treating these people as if they can do no wrong. Because at the end of the day, the kids they gathered like Beanie Babies now belong to a broken home. A home that was built on the shoddy foundation of an affair. 

So…if you’ll forgive me, I’m going to finally get out of my gym clothes and shower and stop wasting time on this celebrity bullshit. And yeah, okay, I do keep up with stuff like this. But it’s usually stuff about, like…I dunno. My former idol Jim Carrey essentially assisting someone with their suicide. Or the James Gunn saga. Or whatever cryptic message the Russo Brothers have posted to any of their social media accounts.

The be all end all point of this is:

if you do it to yourself, slowly disintegrating your relationship through a series of poorly misguided choices in an effort to keep up a public appearance, you’re on your own.

You’re not special, you’ve messed up like everybody else, but you’re trying to stay relevant. And that, along with my foul gym stench, makes me sick! I also completely forgot where I was going with this, and I wanted to end it with a dramatic exclamation. I’m not good at making points unless they’re silly. The fuck ever. You know what I’m saying.

Brad. Angie. You did it to yourself. No one to blame but you and your hoity-toity antics.

Never been more applicable than now. And…in the movie from which it came.

Never been more applicable than now. And…in the movie from which it came.

Afterthoughts from the author:

  1. I think Angelina also made out with her brother once. Loooooong time ago. Look, I’m not perfect, and I don’t claim to be, which I feel gives me free rein to throw stones. If you never consider yourself to be God’s gift to the world (even though we all are, you’re special, and I love you) then you can make fun of whomever you want. Sound logic. I agree with myself on that one.

  2. By The Sea cost $10 million to make and earned a paltry $3.3 million. The numbers alone suggest their marriage was doomed from the get go.

  3. We all know that more children can’t fix a relationship. Only movie theatre popcorn can do that.

Robbie Clark is a writer and contributor at Cinema Soapbox.