It is on!!
Enough talk about who would be the best in a battle with a light saber, we are having a tournament to decide this once and for effing all. No more speculation, no more "if's", this is a 16 team seeded tournament to crown the person who is the most forceful with a light saber. Yes, I kind of regret that joke. Some of the people in this tournament have never been seen holding a light saber, but they are beloved characters and this is my tournament, so they get a seed.
Also, we can just agree now that the best light saber battle ever, was from Episode 1 between Qui Gon JInn, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Darth Maul. This tournament is not to determine the best battle, it is to determine the person who, on their best day in their prime would win in a light saber duel. That scene is really bad-ass though, so let's include it right here to get us fired up.
Now that we have that settled and out of the way, let's take a look at the bracket. This bracket has everyone that you would want and some that you don't (leave Jar Jar alone dammit) and is a good representation of both sides of The Force. It is also a good representation of Star Wars as a whole because I'm not going to write about Star Wars and fighting for a week and not include Chewy. You can't make me do it, so f*ck you. We are starting today with the Sweet 16, so let's take a look at the bracket and see who we have.
This is an action packed bracket with some really heavy hitters on it. I mean Qui Gon Jinn is a 3 seed for crying out loud and you can't tell me that he could take a higher seed from any of those 2 seeds. Anyone can win this thing, but I guarantee you that you already have your favorites picked. Just so you know, the number one overall seed for this tournament is Luke Skywalker. Let's get the first round underway.
The Tatooine Sleeves Region
Luke Skywalker (1) vs. Finn (4)
This might be the most one sided battle of the tournament as Finn doesn't possess The Force (or does he?) and, other than a knack for staying alive/being rescued, isn't really handy in a fight either. Meanwhile, Luke Skywalker is the number one overall seed and blew up the Death Star by Force Jizzing into it's secret weak spot. If he can do that, then how much trouble is he really going to have with a scrappy little upstart like Finn? The only times we've seen Finn with a light saber he's gotten his ass kicked in a bad way. The first time by a storm trooper (get your shit together Finn) and the second time Kylo Ren would have killed him without the help of Rey. The list of Skywalker accomplishments is only dwarfed by the OG Jedi trainers he had in Obi-Wan and Yoda. The Force is blasting through him like electricity through Tesla's mustache. This one, I'm afraid, isn't much of a contest.
Winner: Luke Skywalker
General Grievous (2) vs. Jar Jar Binks (3)
Is it just too late for Jar Jar? Nothing can be done for people to forget what happened in Episode 1? Look at that rad picture of him with Kylo's light saber. How about Jar Jar got banished for messing with The Force and eventually trained in the mystical ways and became a covert bad-ass? He atones for his lack of service to the Queen and vows revenge for all of the slain Jedi children?
Ok fine, you guys suck.
Winner: General Grievous
The Death "don't call me Trek" Star Region
Darth Vader (1) vs General Leia Organa (4)
Talk about daddy issues, amiright!? Heeeyyyyoooooo!! Ok, that one I really regret, but we need some fun for this one, don't we? Leia has some great genes and even better credentials, but the only thing we ever see her do with The Force is make a face like she's trying to solve a math problem in her head and go "Hey, I think some weird shit is going on somewhere" or make the "my son just killed his dad, I need to sit down" face. Vader is a number one seed for a reason and it's mainly because he terrorized the galaxy like a boss for years. Leia is fairly handy with a blaster, but when it comes to a light saber battle, I'm afraid she isn't in the same league as her dad. That's not to say Vader is the strongest number one seed we have in the tournament, but he is definitely doing some heavy lifting for the Dark Side in this battle royale.
Winner; Darth Vader
Obi-Wan Kenobi (2) vs. Kylo Ren (3)
Because of the size of this tournament, someone wasn't going to make a number one seed that probably should have, and that is Obi-Wan Kenobi. Jedi Knight, battle tested, General in the Clone Wars, trainer of Anakin (you can't argue that he didn't do an awesome job), trainer of Luke, and a straight up pimp when it comes to a fight. He took out General Grievous and Darth Maul and by the way, Darth Vader had to wear all of that gear because Obi-Wan took him to the woodshed on some higher ground. The only reason he died was because of his choosing.
You'd be hard pressed to find a stronger resume than that one. He faces Kylo Ren who's resume includes making bootleg light sabers and being strong in the ways of Emo. Obi-Wan bends him over his knee and shows him what a light saber fight against a real Jedi looks like. Kylo got it taken to him by Rey who just kinda figured out she has The Force. Obi-Wan knows everything about The Force and destroys Kylo and his lady hair.
Winner: Obi-Wan Kenobi
The Do or Do Not Bitches Region
Yoda (1) vs. Han Solo (4)
Look, I wouldn't totally rule out something crazy happening, but that is only because I saw Buster Douglas knock out Mike Tyson when I was a kid and that has stayed with me the rest of my life. I always think the underdog has more of a chance than they really do. Han isn't beating the OG Jedi Master, but we weren't having a Star Wars tournament without him. Now if there was a blaster hidden somewhere and Yoda dropped his guard for a second.......Nah, Yoda is going to f*ck him up.
Winner: Master Yoda
Darth Maul (2) vs. Rey (3)
Yes!!! Rey is young and scrappy and is figuring out The Force and is still a little bit confused. She is still a bad-ass and is going to fight like hell to take out Darth Spike Face. The problem here isn't that Rey is young or that she is going to fight like hell, it's that Darth Maul is a straight up double sided killer with a light saber. When you add up the total screen time of DM and then think of how much he still resonates with fans, then you know that guy is the real deal. There are very few that have a chance to beat him and unfortunately for Rey, she is not one of them. Maybe eventually? We remember the scene we watched above though and that it is the best light saber battle of all time right? Yeah, me too and he is taking Rey to task for sure.
Winner: Darth Maul
The Dark Side of My Ass Region
Emperor Palpatine (1) vs. Chewbacca (4)
Poor Chewy is going to get beaten here, but he's still going to go down swinging! Don't underestimate Palpatine in this tournament by the way, he has some skins on the wall and is the only contestant that can say he sent Obi-Wan and Yoda into hiding. That is some crazy shit and he also has Force lightening coming out of his fingers. Chewbacca is for sure going to attempt to rip is arms off of his stupid old body, but when all is said and done there won't be much he can do.
Mace Windu (2) vs. Qui Gon Jinn (3)
My favorite battle and the only guy that I'm irrationally rooting for. Reach into that bag and get my light saber. It's the one that says bad motherfucker on it. Qui Gon Jinn is strong. Qui Gon Jinn can hold his own against anyone. Qui Gon Jinn is dead AF at the hands of Darth Maul. Mace Windu might have got taken out, but he had Emperor Palpatine on the ropes and if it hadn't been for a confused Anakin, the would have finished him off. Mace Windu also has a purple light saber and is Samuel L. Jackson, so guess who's winning?
Aside from Mace being awesome, what can we really say about Qui Gon? For all of the issues with episodes 1-3, my main issue is that Qui Gon Jinn and Darth Maul were the most compelling new characters and they were both gone after Phantom Menace. I find it hard to believe that those next two movies couldn't have been made better by those two characters, but instead the best scene from any of the three movies came at the climax of the first and those two characters are dust in the wind. That is the biggest waste to me.
Winner: Mace "Bad Motherfucker" Windu
Stephen Balding is the founder of Cinema Soapbox. You can reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org