Yes, I am very excited about the title of this column. No, I don’t care that it made you groan. Yes, I’m aware that you came here to read this and I should be grateful. No, I still don’t care, that joke is gold.
Now that we have my lack of regret out of the way, let’s jump into Mr. Cruise. The 2 Top 2 Gun trailer came out recently and I watched an interview with TC about it and once again he performed all of his own stunts. That means he flew a jet and did crazy fighter pilot stuff at an alarming rate of speed. As I’m sure you have noticed, he’s been doing bigger and bigger stunts over the last decade and I don’t think it’s an accident. Nothing about Tom’s life is unplanned. Nothing. So the idea that he’s risking his life has to be a calculated move. If he died right now of natural causes the entire first paragraph of his life would include…
Movie Star with an unparalleled length of success.
Transformed his career to have an entire 2nd act as an action star.
Never won an Oscar when it was clear it was important to him.
Possible hall of fame crazy person.
That’s the order and nothing he can do at this point can change that. The bad is always going to be associated with the good….or is it? If Tom Cruise actually died while making a movie the entire narrative of his life and career changes. I think this is what Cruise is going for on some level, which sounds dark, but fits his personality. If he wouldn’t be completely fine with dying doing what he loves more than anything, then there is no way that he would be trying this stuff. I think Cruise pictures getting his only Oscar as an older man, it being a career achievement one, and him hating it. This is calculated. So let’s take a serious look at what stunt might actually cause Mr. Tom Cruise to lose Cruise Control. (still don’t regret it)
Steve Irwin Biopic
Tom Cruise is currently preparing to join the Bee-O-Pike craze by playing Steve Irwin. In this fictionalized tale, Steve (Cruise) has to find the mystical Statue de los Caimán which has been taken by the evil Archaeological Professor Stingray (played by Val Kilmer) who intends to use it for evil. The Statue has been hidden deep in the Amazon away from the grasp of Irwin and the only way to get to it is to zipline past the river full of Crocodiles. Halfway down the zipline his trusty sidekick yells “LOOK IT’S STINGRAY” and it startles Cruise and he falls off of the zipline dropping into the river where he is eaten alive.
Cruise attempts to escape the river by running at top Cruise speed which has been clocked at 72 MPH, but unfortunately he is in water and is not wearing the proper running gear. As a last gasp effort, he attempts to look the Crocodiles in the eyes and fight them off with the power of acting, but they think Sean Penn would have given the better performance of ‘scared human” so they attack and end his career. The movie goes on to be the highest grossing movie of all time because they leave all of the footage in, which was a demand of Cruise prior to signing on to do the movie.
Attempting to Fly (without a plane)
During a movie shoot that is financed by The Church of Scientology, TC finds himself shooting the most pivotal scene at the top of the Statue of Liberty. With one hand, he is hanging off of the side of the Lady Liberty. The other hand? Holding on the the female lead of the movie, Scientology Jones, who is screaming for Tom to rescue her. There isn’t supposed to be a stunt filmed here, but Tom is nothing if not a professional who is capable of improvising. When Scientology Jones slips and the cables safely catch her, Cruise believes the scene will be better if he attempts to catch her.
You see, Cruise had been reading several books on the power of positive visualization and has determined that he can actually fly if he thinks about it really, really hard. Using all of the massive TC brain powers, he lets go to fall down to catch her and fly back up! It turns out that humans cannot fly and Cruise falls all the way to the ground. Caught on tape are his final words being screamed…”GOOOOOOOSSSEEE!!!”, which everyone thinks is a moment of insanity where he is thinking about Anthony Edwards, but the crew insists he was yelling at a goose flying by in an attempt to get the goose to swoop over and save him. Sadly the goose could not be found for questioning.
Trying to make a real life Superhero baby
Twenty years from now, Tom Cruise is on the set of Top Gun 8 and is starting to feel his age. Not only his age, but the need to have a child that would be the successor to the Cruise legacy. The weight of these things leads him to take his mind off of it by watching 84 straight hours of superhero movies, which happens to give him the best idea of his life. TC has already flown jets, been strapped to the side of a plane at takeoff, and hung off of the tallest buildings in the world. This idea should be a piece of cake. Tom Cruise was going to hang off of the side of a Stealth Bomber in an attempt to fornicate with it in mid air. If he can climax just as the plane reaches Mach 4, then surely he could impregnate the plane and have a superhero plane baby. The future of show business would be saved by Stealth Cruise, who could film movies during the day and save lives at night.
So strapped to the side of the plane that is flying faster than the speed of sound, TC reaches for his zipper to let Lil’ TC out of his holster. During this attempt, it turns out that penis skin should not be exposed to Mach 4 speeds and Cruise has his genitals torn from his body. The flight crew doesn’t know what is happening, so they attempt to land when they see the amount of blood pouring from the front of the star. By the time they reach the ground, Tom was furiously shouting “SHAZAAM!!” in hopes of turning into a superhero himself. Sadly it did not work and the action stars career is brought to an end.
Stephen Balding is the founder of Cinema Soapbox. You can reach him at email@example.com