If you are like me, then you devour trailers in hopes of finding a hidden gem that you can add to your 100’s deep list of movies that you want to see. While I love finally seeing the trailer to that new Avengers movie or something from a director that’s been working on a project that’s finally arrived, movie trailers are hit and miss. Just like movies. Below is a running commentary on a few trailers that may or may not be good movies, but the trailers are high comedy.
The Curse of La Llorona
0:09 – The weeping woman could be a wide variety of things, but if movie history has taught us anything it’s when a priest is gazing off into the distance, it’s not good.
0:14 – Hello Mrs. Hawkeye’s wife!! Is Hawkeye busy with your shit and that’s why he couldn’t be bothered to help fight Thanos??
0:20 – Leave! Right now! This isn’t going to go well! Did you hear the way he said that???
0:21 – This music makes me think I’m going to get jump scared. I hate getting jump scared. Please don’t jump scare me weepy lady.
0:28 – What the fuck are you doing bringing your kids to what is clearly a murder scene? In that old station wagon that is almost certain to be a reason you die. And……AND…please don’t wake up your sister to see the murder scene?? That kid is definitely waking up his sister one way or another and when he does, she’s going to have no idea they are in the dark at a murder scene with a lady who may or may not be weeping very close to them. Dick move Hawkeye’s wife. Dick move.
0:35 – Look, I don’t care if you think you are innocent and nothing is wrong with you, if a Hispanic woman starts yelling this kind of shit at you, then something is about to pop off and you need to GTFO immediately. Definitely don’t have your kids near a murder scene near an unconfirmed weeping lady. Hawkeye is going to be so pissed about this.
0:42 – This fucking kid is going to get out of the car isn’t he?
0:51 – Please don’t jump scare me weepy chick. Please, I beg of you, I hate it and it gets me every single time. It’s just lazy writing at this point.
1:04 – FUCKING RUN KID!!! WHY ARE YOU EVEN OUTSIDE OF THE CAR?!?!?
1:07 – A;LKESF;LISANFOI;NAOIF;LIJDSAFLJ;LDSAJF;LKNDSAL KFOIEWUOIFHASHVOIUHV NOXUY9802U029U30U901UEWHFAODSJKFJ;LKDSAJ;LKFJ;LKDSAJFJSAF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1:15 – See!! Have you ever woken up from a nap and need a few minutes to get all the way awake and just want to chill for a second? Now imagine you’re Hawkeye’s daughter in a car and you wake up to your brother losing his mind and while you are trying to collect yourself you are slowly putting the pieces together that you are AT A MURDER SCENE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! This kid is going to need a lot of therapy.
1:20 – Give this little girl an award now because that is the exact look on a 9 year old face when she is woken up by her brother screaming at a murder scene in a station wagon.
1:24 – Is a Predator here too?
1:29 – What the serious fuck???
1:45 – So is this kid just stronger than a ghost? Is Senorita Cries A Lot only capable of bullshit ghost stuff like rolling down a window in a pre-1992 vehicle? If she can get to the handle, can she not just grab the kid?
1:57 – So she could open the doors this entire time, but choose to roll down the window? This lady is a next level troll. Also, HONK THE FUCKING HORN!!
2:05 – ADS;LIFURO32IJLKAJSVD8UA90WU4309U30JIVFJOIEPUJ 4F98U42EFDRP9U3WQR9UPJFD OIAJSFJDSAOIFJOIDSAJFJOISJFOIJDSOIAJOIFJOIDSAJF90J8E2WJF2JOIFJASSJFOIJSAOIFJODSIAJFOIJOIDSJFOIJDSAOIFJOIDSJFOJDSOSAJF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joker Camera Test
0:04 – It’s good to see Joaquin Phoenix looks as weird as ever.
0:10 – This song is The Guess Who and the song is Laughing. Todd Phillips is really good at this because it’s a perfect vibe so far.
0:22 – This is immediately better than any scene Jared Leto pulled off in Suicide Squad! I’m not sure what he’ll try to sound like, but Joaquin is such a better actor than Leto, that it will probably be a step up. You never know, however, because he is also a really, REALLY weird guy by nature so it could be banana’s.
0:25 – Smart move with just the scowl and not speaking. I wonder if that even gets shown in the trailer for the movie. If the first trailer comes out and there is nothing said by Joker, then you know that it’s going to be a bad performance. The Dark Knight used Heath Ledger’s amazing vocal performance as an introduction to the character in the first trailer and it got better from there. I’m cautiously optimistic at this point, but I am full aware that DC has screwed up so many movies that it’s not far-fetched to think this will be the same. I mean sure Todd Phillips did The Hangover, but Todd Phillips also did parts 2 and 3 and ruined the first by proxy. To be continued.
Alita: Battle Angel
0:09 – Wars, ground shaking and James Cameron. Is this Avatar light?
0:11 – Find someone who looks at you the way Christoph Waltz looks at a random severed head.
0:19 – Wait a second…James Cameron is producing this and Robert Rodriguez is directing? You have my attention trailer, well played.
0:31 – I’m immediately buying anything Christoph Waltz has to say in any movie ever. Like any movie. He could be in a movie about people thinking the earth is flat and I would change my mind and be one of those insane flat earth people.
0:40 – In time you will remember? Crying? Is this a human head in a robot body, because I have some questions about the head being found in a junk yard now.
0:54 – At least the future will still have people getting mugged by Wolverine cosplayers. Thank goodness!
0:57 – Worst. Stripper. Ever.
1:00 – This little girl looks like an angel. I wonder if she can battle?
1:05 – Roll Credits.
1:17 – Lost for 300 years? She’s not the bible is she? Like a child bible that can punch because Denzel did that better when he was blind and not a child.
1:28 – Is this the ship from Superman? Is she Superman’s sister? Cousin? Where is Russell Crowe to explain this to me?
1:31 – Level 5 upgrade. Begin!
1:34 – Go go gadget crack pipe.
1:38 – Fucking teenagers.
1:55 – Discount Morpheus
2:03 – A live look at what happens to men’s testicles as they age. I bet he’s going to fight her with his testicle fingers.
2:14 – Every lady dodging men throwing their dicks at her in a bar.
2:22 – Insert lazy/generic “I’m with the person that just did all of the ass kicking” line.
Stephen Balding is the founder of Cinema Soapbox. You can reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org