If you are like me, then you devour trailers in hopes of finding a hidden gem that you can add to your 100’s deep list of movies that you want to see. While I love finally seeing the trailer to that new Avengers movie or something from a director that’s been working on a project that’s finally arrived, movie trailers are hit and miss. Just like movies. Below is a running commentary on a few trailers that may or may not be good movies, but the trailers are high comedy.
the man who killed hitler and then bigfoot
0:06 - That’s Peter’s voice! I can spot a Ron Livingston narration a mile away and I am immediately in. He is a severely underrated actor.
0:12 - Sam Elliott! Do we even need to continue here? I’m going to watch this movie. The title of it alone had me interested, but he is a permanent on my “I’ll watch this because of him” list.
0:20 - Obligatory young punks messing with the wrong person scene.
0:30 - It looks like those kids had a problem there mijo.
0:40 - Larry Miller! The great Larry Miller! Who cast this movie, because they have put underrated Ron Livingston, icon Sam Elliott, and now one of the greatest stand up comedians of all time in it. Well done casting person. Well done, indeed.
0:55 - Wait….what? You expect me to believe that this guy shot Hitler during the war? Well that mustache is all of the proof I need. You may proceed, trailer.
1:06 - OK, there are some killings up north and the FBI is involved, and now that we know Sam Elliott and Sam Elliott’s mustache killed Hitler, they need him to go after what is doing the killing? Is the killer going to be Bigfoot? The killer can’t be Bigfoot, right? OOOO MMMM GEEEE the killer is going to be Bigfoot!!!
1:15 - Sam Elliott doesn’t need a mask and suit because his mustache is a natural filter that repels your bullshit virus.
1:23 - So patient zero is Bigfoot and Sam Elliott is going to hunt it!?!?! Is it too late to give this movie an award for best movie of all time at the Academy Awards this year???
1:40 - Holy shit, they really didn’t bury the lead with this title! That was Bigfoot and Sam Elliott’s mustache is going to hunt that son of a bitch down in the mountains! This is the greatest day of my life!
1:54 - Fun Fact: When Sam Elliott cries into Sam Elliott’s mustache, it regenerates the ozone.
1:57 - You know that it’s only a matter of time before Sam Elliott burns down the woods that Bigfoot is hiding in and forces him to come pay for what he’s done. The thought of running out of the woods and seeing Sam Elliott’s mustache holding a gun should haunt your dreams.
This is going to be the single most important movie of our lives.
0:08 - Can I interest anyone in a massage?
0:15 - Don’t try to make Travolta a tough guy please. You can’t have that many hair pieces and also be a tough guy.
0:25 - hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
0:38 - Wait, who is that??? She’s not an actress, but why does she look familiar?
0:42 - Michael Madson has partied way harder than you have. Ever. In your entire life.
0:52 - Everyone talks shit on my love for Nic Cage and that he’s “crazy”, but have you watched Travolta in the last decade? He’s trying to jerk guys off at the massage parlor (in real life!!) and has turned into a psychopath as an actor. Leave Nic Cage alone!!
1:11 - “Why don’t you and me go race?”…..sigh….Travolta found the script that made him the real life version of the Paul Newman’s character in Cars. The wise old driver who has seen it all and need to school the youngster on the ways of the past.
1:19 - Who is that lady???? I know I’ve seen her somewhere.
1:29 - Is Travolta doing a Southern accent? Please let that be a Southern accent. Please!
1:42 - That is fucking Shania Twain!!!!!! What in the crap is she doing in a movie? Is she an actress now? Has she always been? Did she give up on singing? Who’s bed has her boots been under? Enough questions? Fine.
1:54 - If you would have given me 1000 guesses for the name of the sidekick character in the Travolta racing movie, I would have arrived at the name “Stumpy” in precisely 2.4 guesses.
If you can guarantee me 2 hours of Travolta doing a Southern accent, then I will be seeing this movie in the theater.
0:01 - Do we really have to do this? You know that I love JCVD, but we know what this movie is going to be. He’s going to be dusting off the classics and will be the normal bouncer guy that is a secret karate expert that has to do more than he wants to protect some member of his family. He’s too old for it to be his grandmother, so I’m going with teenage daughter.
0:01 - I really don’t want to do this, we can really just skip it. Do you want to talk about Bloodsport for 3 hours instead? I’m ready to do that right now. Really? Alright, fine.
0:17 - So we’ve established who he is and what he does right away, so that leaves the final 1:56 for JCVD kicking guys shots and what is probably the only plot point of having a teenage daughter. Early 20’s daughter? He is super old at this point, so probably mid-20’s at least.
0:23 - You did terrible things to a kid, so come work for me. No, I’m not the bad guy, why would you think that? I’m trying to give you a job after beating up a child, so I’m clearly the good guy here.
0:27 - JCVD heard that line in The Dark Knight and had to make himself win that scene. There is a 100% chance that Jean thinks he should be Batman AND The Joker in the same movie. Like right now, he’d be perfect.
0:35 - Kicking montage. Jean wins. Where is the daughter?
0:39 - JCVD in a fancy suit so you know the job is serious. How much work has he had done on his face at this point? Looking rough Jean.
0:47 - THAT is his daughter? The 8 year old? JCVD is easily in his 60’s and that is the age of the daughter you are giving him? Maybe 8….maybe younger. Come on!
1:07 - “This guy is a survivor” is something that Jean heard in Shooter and wanted to say it in his own movie. There is a 100% chance that JCVD thinks that Mark Wahlberg is taking all of the roles that should go to him.
1:27 - I told you that it was a kicking montage and a daughter plot trailer. I knew we didn’t have to watch this. Are you happy now? Are you?
1:33 - Why are they putting the “directed by this guy” tag on this movie? Who is this Julien Leclercq? Is he a thing and I haven’t heard of him yet? Is he French and that’s why he’s pals with Jean? Also, I just like calling him Jean.
Thank goodness that is over! Please don’t make me do that again.
Stephen Balding is the founder of Cinema Soapbox. You can reach him at email@example.com