My friend John is nothing if not a man about town, so after being told several stories about some of the crazy first dates he has had, I decided to follow along to spy on him. John is a very nice guy, almost to a fault, so I had a feeling he was glossing over several details and was I ever right. Here is my account of John’s first date with Bellatrix Lestrange. My thoughts are also below in parenthesis.
(John is sitting at a table looking nervous when a woman approaches very fast, sitting down and immediately starts inspecting John. She looks confused and angry and like she had lost her brush during a home invasion and has never really bounced back.)
John: Hello, it’s very nice to meet you, I am John.
Bellatrix Lestrange: Well you’re not what you looked like in your pictures at all. Oh well, hopefully this place has some polyjuice potion and I’ll have you looking how I want in no time.
(Oh wow, how rude is she, but also she looks strangely familiar)
John: I think they have a decent wine list, but I’ve never heard of polyjuice before, is it a red?
(shaking head: What an idiot)
BL: (maniacal laughter) Ah hahahahahahahahahah HAHAHAHA haaaaaa!!!!
(Oh holy shit that is Bellatrix Lestrange!!! This is going to be hilarious when she has a full scale meltdown at how nice John is. I wonder if he figures it out. I can't wait to see how this plays out.)
John: You have a beautiful laugh; I love a woman with a good sense of humor.
So your profile said that your past was complicated and that you were locked down for way too long. Were you in a long relationship?
(Way to ignore red flags, John)
BL: Weeeeeeelllll……yes and no. The locked down I was referring to in my muggle profile was the time I spent in Azkaban prison. That was a crazy time for me.
(She just said muggle, surely he figures this out now)
John: Oh you were in prison? Don’t worry; I’m not here to judge you at all. Just open minds. I’m sure that was a little crazy.
BL: No, I mean I literally lost my mind and went on a murderous rampage when I escaped.
John: Hey, I was in a frat in college so I can totally relate. Ha ha
(Oh no, John, she will murder you for that comment)
BL: I will remove your tongue if you make that joke again in your life, you stupid muggle.
John: Muggle is such a fun word, I’m glad that you feel comfortable enough with me to give me a pet name. I love it.
(Did he suffer a head injury in the parking lot that I don't know about.....oh I've seen that look before)
BL: (Intense glare clutching the table and something that looks like a small stick)
John: So what brought you to join Christian Mingle?
BL: I was trying to have a change of scenery after my last relationship. I was a tad bit obsessed with a certain wizard….er uh….guy for a very long time and my last three psychiatrists wanted me to change the way I was meeting guys. Plus, it was much easier to meet guys online when I was under house arrest for a while.
(House arrest!! hahahaha! Try that red flag on for size John)
John: I’m a bit of a homebody too; we have so much in common. What was your ex’s name?
(Nope! Change the subject John)
BL: I can’t say.
John: It’s safe here with me, I promise. What was his name?
(Leave it alone John!!)
BL: (whispering) He who should not be named.
John: Oh come on, you can tell me. What was his name.
BL: YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS TOM RIDDLE, BUT HE IS VOLDEMORT!!!! THE MOST POWERFUL WIZARD THIS WORLD OR ANY WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN YOU IGNORANT WRETCH!!!!!
John: Oh my, that was alarming. I’m sorry for pressuring you that way; I must have had one too many glasses of this wine. What did you call it? Polyjuice?
BL: This is why I lost my mind in Azkaban and why I killed the strongest Black!
John: Whoa, whoa, whoa!! Easy with the racism.
(what an idiot)
BL: I was talking about Sirius Black, you fool.
John: Serious African-American….please.
BL: (storming out of the restaurant) I’m out of here! People think that I’m the crazy one!
Me: Hey buddy, you dodged a bullet there! I'm surprised you didn't get murdered in your face with magic.
John: I liked her, do you think she will go out with me again?
Me: Sure! You should call her up and ask her to go see Harry Potter at the drive-in.
John: GREAT IDEA!
Poor John never stood a chance, but he is convinced that there is love out there to be found if you are persistent.
Stephen Balding is the founder of Cinema Soapbox. You can contact him at email@example.com