Earlier this week, I was sitting at my desk and thinking about what I wanted to write about. The thought I kept having was "who had the best three year span in movie history?" and was it a man or a woman and what decade would have the strongest competition for the top spot. The first name that I looked up was the best living actor in the world....Mr. Daniel Day "I have more Oscars than you" Lewis. I knew he wouldn't have three movies in three years since he only works about once every 3-6 years as it is, but maybe he'd have one strong enough to take a spot. After some research, I got sucked down into a rabbit hole on YouTube of his interviews. He seems so normal and jovial, that it's hard to believe him as his characters in everyday situations.
Wait a minute.....can you imagine replacing an existing character that we know with the dark and deeply method style that Daniel Day Lewis uses? What if, instead of Bob Hoskins in Super Mario Bros, it was DDL searching for Daisy in a ruthless, almost John Wick style. Holy shit, I would watch that every single day of my life! I immediately started laughing my face off and tried to think of the best DDL swap that I could and I think that I have some good ones. The only problem is that I didn't know what to call it. Face Swap with Danny Day.....Crisis on Infinite Lewis.....Hot Tub D-Day Machine...the list could go on, but nothing that seems perfect, so for simplicity sake I am just going with The Daniel Day Lewis Game. I have some strong competition, but see if you can beat me.
The rules are simple....
- You change the existing character with a dark version played by DDL.
- The other characters don't know that the change has been made until they see him.
- Describe how the plot/tone would change by simply adding him into the mix
- Provide a new Tag Line for the movie.
You've Got Mail
This Rom-com gets a bloody twist when America's Tom Hanks is replaced with Daniel Day Lewis who turns the story into one of the first internet stalker and murderer. Not content with shutting people's businesses down, he wants to shut their life down too. He will hunt down his prey using a different book each time as his muse. He murders his victim and then hides out on his houseboat while the investigation misses him. Mother may I sleep with danger, indeed!
The first scene I want to see is Daniel Day Lewis giving an intense monologue while they are trapped in that elevator, followed by him snapping on Parker Posey when she interrupts him. He would be single again, but from killing the entire elevator just in time to turn his "attention" to the lovable Meg Ryan. He learns everything about her and when he brings her flowers at home, it's terrifying as an audience member because she is truly in danger of being brutally murdered. In the end, she slowly figures out that he is a murderer and when poor Shop Girl meets him in the park, she screams in terror as he slowly pulls out his knife and sics his Ramsay Bolton style attack dog on her. Poor, poor Shop Girl you never had a chance.
New Tagline: Your knight in shinning armor is hiding a shinny knife.
Daniel Day Lewis is America's newest sweetheart and the next Miss United States! A method DDL is so method that he enters the real life contest and when he is rejected for being a male, he goes through the operation to become a woman. He then enters FBI training and hangs a poster of Clarice Starling on his dorm wall. Sure, Sandra Bullock is charming and all, but once D-Day takes over, the FBI and the pageant will never be the same. He will find the bomber and make Benjamin Bratt really fall in love with him and if that doesn't really happen, then heads will roll.
The tone to this movie changes dramatically once Bratt realizes that he has fallen in love with what he thinks is a man, but is now a woman, and DDL keeps the discarded member in a jar that he alarmingly pulls out entirely too often. It seems like a risk, but he takes the movie from a comedy to a very serious drama and also becomes the first person ever to win Best Actor AND Best Actress at the Academy Awards. He parlays this success into playing the Queen of England who gets impregnated by Nic Cage in order to prevent the ancient curse that will set off a volcano underneath Mount Rushmore.
New Tagline: Miss Congeniality.....Ummmmm......probably not what you are expecting...
The Big Bang Theory
This tight knit group of friends are going to go from planning their Saturday night, to planning a way out of their new nightmare. Super genius Sheldon Cooper is now super villain Daniel Day Lewis and he is going to drink Leonard's milkshake! If you touch his thermostat he will stab you in the face. If you sit in his spot, he will spend the next 20 days torturing you. If you hug him.....you die!
Things are going his way, one way or another, and this unsuspecting group of friends signed a roommate agreement without reading it and now are trapped under the roof of a mad man. Can this group of scientists, outsmart the smartest man in the world? Traps have been set up and the group fears for their life so much they can't move, but need to figure out a way to send word to unsuspecting Wil Wheaton who has explosives rigged underneath his car. He is cunning, he is OCD, and he is waging a war.
*knock, knock, knock* Penny *knock, knock, knock* Penny *knock, knock, knock* You're dead.
New Tagline: Murder is coming to Prime Time this fall.
There's Something About Mary
Can you imagine D-Day playing Ted in the meticulous/everything has to be real way that he does. Does shooting of the film shut down for 1-5 months when he insists on zipping his actual balls up 32 times so they have enough takes? Does Cameron Diaz ever recover from Lewis screaming at her on set that it "HAS TO BE REAL JIZZ IN YOUR HAIR OR NOBODY WILL BELIEVE US!!!"? That is just the off-screen excitement too!
On screen, Lewis hires Healy, but never trusts him and is spying on him at the same time he is stalking Mary. The only one that can save them is Brett Farve, but he was found murdered in his trunk with a note that simply says..."now you'll stay retired" in cut out magazine letters. Dom tries to talk his way out of the problem when he is discovered, but DDL knows that he's been lying about Mary and he wakes up glued to an old wheel chair Red Dragon style and only Warren can make it there in time to save him. The only way that the police can make it there in time is the small trail of blood that "Ted" leaves behind him from his still wounded sack.
New Tagline: Sure there is something about Mary, but will that something save her from murder!
Stephen Balding is the founder of Cinema Soapbox. You can reach him at email@example.com