Do you see that smile on Teddy’s face? That is the smile of a man that knows he is doing it better than you. You will never smile like this in your life; I don’t care if you win the lottery, marry Marion Cotillard, and win the Superbowl in the same day you will never smile like this. A true fact that I made up for this column, when Teddy Roosevelt said “speak softly and carry a big stick” he was talking about his mustache. You can’t prove that he wasn’t.
Teddy ranks number 1 in history with the best stache and is closely followed by Albert Einstein at number 2. Think about that for a second…..A president, maybe the most popular president in history (anyone else have a beloved stuffed animal named after them?) and the man who is considered the smartest of all time both had a mustache. Coincidence? Probably, but who cares.
So who is currently rocking a stache with confidence and elegance today? I’m glad you asked. Let’s count down the top ten.
First off, we need to establish a few ground rules to make sure we are getting the cream of the crop.
1. If you have ever entered into any sort of mustache or facial hair competition then you are off of the list. Real men with real mustaches don’t show off or look for attention for it.
2. You can’t be a part time mustache wearer and qualify for the list. It needs to be something that is as much a part of your life as your favorite shirt.
3. Finally, we are going into any realm with this list. Hollywood actor, sports star, TV personality….all are in the running.
Here we go
10. Nick Offerman
Look, I know what you are going to say. Offerman is the manliest guy in Hollywood right now. He’s also got an amazing mustache. He’s on the best sitcom on television too. He builds stuff with his bare hands. All of those things are somewhat true, but calm down hipster he’s still new to the mustache game and made the top ten. He has the most upside of anyone else on this list, but pump the brakes on calling him the “manliest” OK?
9. Ned Flanders
You are damn straight I put Ned Flanders on this list and he absolutely deserves it. He’s been bringing that sweet mustache into your home since 1989 and have you ever thanked him for it? No, no you haven’t. Hang your head in shame.
8. Lionel Richie
There is that smile again. Do you think Lionel Richie could have survived in the music industry without that stache? Probably, but it never hurts to run up the score when the opportunity presents itself. Have you ever watched the “Hello” video? I mean really watched it? It fucking creepy as shit!! Does anyone care that he is practically stalking a blind girl and is a borderline pedophile? No, because when you have that beautiful stache you can do what you want in life.
7. Mike Ditka
Robert Smigel, one of the best comedy writers of all time, took a very solid sketch on SNL and parlayed that into an outlet for Ditka love. “Who would win in Indianapolis 500, the race cars or The Bears team bus? Is Ditka driving the bus? Well then I like Da’ Bears.” Mike Ditka is a man, son!
6. Geraldo Rivera
I know that this is unexpected, but just hear me out. I was staying at the Hard Rock in Vegas for New Years a few years back. It was a crazy few days where I found myself doing shots with Scott Ian and his wife Mrs. Meatloaf’s Daughter and even saw Bob Saget walking around at what appeared to be 8 feet tall. The most unexpected thing that I saw was Geraldo walking by me with a model on his arm and rocking a mustache that had its own aura. I’m here to tell you that his mustache stood out more than the model did and it wasn’t close. It was like it had a glowing light behind it. If you ever find yourself in its presence, just let the glory wash over you.
5. Brad Pitt
Be honest, you didn’t think Brad Pitt would be on this list did you? I’m not surprised he is on the list, Pitt as always enjoyed wearing a good mustache, but I am a little surprised that he is this high on the list. There was a time that Brad dated the sweet girl, didn’t want to get married, and wasn’t the coolest guy in every room. What happened? He grew a mustache. You try bedding Angelina Jolie without a mustache and you will fail.
4. Burt Reynolds
Soak it in ladies. No bare faced man would dare take this picture. Not Burt though, that’s pure unfiltered confidence. I’m sorry that you have to see this and go back to your normal husband or boyfriend, but just know that pure excellence is out there.
3. Tom Selleck
When you look into Tom Selleck’s eyes everything feels like it is going to be OK. There is something there that is almost fatherly right? The fact that he has had this mustache for going on 4 decades just makes him more trustworthy than other men. I want him to give me a hug and tell me that he’s proud of me. I want to ask him for advice just to see him stroke his mustache as he ponders his answer. I want Tom Selleck to be my dad. So do you, admit it.
2. Alex Trebek
The highest ranked Canadian on the list and also the biggest upset. He’s been giving us the answers since 1984 and we still take him for granted. That Stephen Hawking guy is pretty smart, but each and every other man, woman, and child in the world combined is only half as smart as Alex. If the zombie apocalypse ever happened, Alex Trebek will save us and single-handedly repopulate the world in his image. Ladies, if he isn’t on your list of celebrities that you can cheat with, you don’t deserve to have a list.
1. Sam Elliott
This list could just be Sam Elliott taking all ten spots for himself and I would be fine with that. He is the not just a man, he is the fucking man. I cannot get enough of Sam Elliott doing Sam Elliott things with Sam Elliott mustache. He is the coolest guy in the world in my opinion and it’s not close. Have you heard his voice in the new Dodge commercials? You can hear his mustache through the screen without even seeing it. You don’t have the voice that he has without years of drinking, smoking, and mustaching. Bow to the excellence that is Sam Elliott! Bow to it!!
Stephen Balding is the founder of Cinema Soapbox. You can contact him at email@example.com