It's going to be bloody, vicious, and slightly ridiculous! Welcome to The Versusdome, where two men enter...three men and a baby leave!!
This weeks match-up is between the two best captains in USS Enterprise history. Captain James Tiberius Kirk versus Captain Jean Luc PIcard.
Todd: James Tiberius Kirk. The Legend. A man of myth. But myth is something something surrounded in mystery. Everything that is a "myth" with this man actually happened, all of it. Starfleet captain/admiral, swashbuckler, space cowboy, intergalactic gigolo... amazingly pulling all of this off in a yellow velour pullover just to handicap himself so that others feel like they stand a chance against him. He can out physical those who are stronger then him and out smart those who have a higher intelligence.
Fighter, diplomat and one who believes in unity in the galaxy. There is no color, creed or race that he has not "embraced". His legendary reputation has always preceded him as everyone knows who this man among men is. Why do you think the Borg waited until his passing to appear? That Borg Queen would have been "crushed" at warp factor 11.
Stephen: Captain Jean Luc Picard is a man of principle. Captain Jean Luc Picard is a man of diplomacy. However, when it comes time to throw down, Captain Jean Luc Picard is the man that you want on that wall, he's the man that you NEED on that wall. Has there ever been a tougher Star Trek villain than the Borg? No. Has anyone, other than Picard, been the Captain of a Starfleet ship AND the Captain of a Borg cube? No. Sure, there is nobody more diplomatic than Picard and that is what you want out of a leader. Someone who won't risk countless red shirts unnecessarily to make an episode move it's plot. Words have power and meaning and nobody knows that better, but if you get up in his business and risk the lives of his crew with your stupid Borg Queen nonsense he will straight up break your spine!
Todd: Let's face it, Kirk would out maneuver, out play and out last anything that Picard can throw at him. He out smarted KHAAAAAAAAAN by manipulating Spock to "exaggerate" with the "by the book" ruse. Did you notice his voice carried through space. He breaks the laws of physics. He fought the Gorn and won by making a gun out of a hollowed log, stones and homemade gunpowder, the original Macgyver.
How many times has he had to save Spock? He had to fight him to the death in an honor match when Spock was going through Vulcan puberty and figured out a way to save them both with honor. He risked his life and career to hunt Spock down after he was resurrected by Genesis, giving the ultimate sacrifice of his only son in the process. Hmmm, sounds biblicaly familiar. When Spock's half brother lead him to "God", he looked "God" in the eye and had huevos to ask "wtf?" And most of all, he sacrificed himself to save Picard... and the universe. No greater leader has ever graced the space-time continuum as the immortal James Kirk.
Stephen: This is not a "who is the greatest playa in the galaxy" question, this is a who is the person that you can depend on to lead a ship question. That answer cannot be James T. Kirk when he isn't even the go to person on his own ship. If you are going into battle where you have to do more than make out with an enemy to defeat it, then you are calling on Spock light years before you need Kirk to outsmart anyone. Kirk consistently got his crew into trouble by being reckless and not listening to Spock....aka THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THE ENTIRE GALAXY!
On Kirk's watch, the Enterprise was nearly destroyed by Tribbles and the poisoned grain supply would have gone unnoticed on his watch if it wasn't for....wait for it....Spock. Can you imagine going into battle where your Captain might be outsmarted by a space magwai? If I need someone to go to the bar and pick up women, then I'll keep Kirk's number handy, but for any and all other matters that require more sense than a rock, I'll call Spock.
Todd: I will keep this brief. First, Kirk is everybody's all American. Picard is French but speaks with a British accent, I can't trust that. Second, some guy named William Shatner sang a song called "Rocket Man" dedicated to Kirk. It's pretty amazing, look it up. Finally, I would like to touch on the what really makes these men up. What do they they like to do on shore leave?
- Kirk: drink the finest Romulan Ales, shag, rock climbing, shag, ride motorcycles, shag, drive fast cars, shag and creating the Galactic Shagapalooza Festival.
- Picard: Sip tea poolside, reading Dashell Hammett novels while wearing a banana hammock. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
You be the judge. You all know Kirk was a slam from the start. Don't get me wrong, I actually like Picard but those shoes were just too big to fill.
Stephen: Look the argument here is simple and favors Picard in every way that counts. Picard had more seasons, more brains, and did more on his own because he couldn't depend on that dumb bearded dick Riker like Kirk could with Spock. I want a Captain that takes his job seriously, not one that moonlights as the biggest poon hound in the galaxy. Picard had less help and greater villains to face in The Borg, Q, Wesley Crusher, and Whoopi Goldberg.
On top of all of that, Jean Luc Picard was a man of wisdom and diplomacy. So much so that he let a Vulcan mind meld with him so he could get control of his emotions. I'll repeat that.....Jean Luc Picard let a Vulcan mind meld with him so the Vulcan (a species known for not having emotions) could use Picard to get his Vulcan shit together in his mind. Captain Picard even knows the Vulcan nerve pinch while Kirk can't even find a shirt that fits. I want a Captain that can be taken seriously and one that only has eyes for one woman. That sweet and intelligent Doctor Beverly Crusher. We can't risk galactic diplomacy going haywire because Captain Kirk is too busy in Starfleet human resources because of yet another sexual harassment case. I'll leave you with this. Your so called "greatest" Captain was killed by a bridge falling on him. Picard commands his bridge, he doesn't get killed by one.
Please rise. The honorable Judge Randy Jackson presiding. Judge Randy will you please sign my samurai sword and make a ruling?
Yo dawg, these arguments were a little pitchy for me, but they still kinda worked. Here's what I'm feeling....there can only be one winner, even though I'd like to send you both to the finals. If I have to pick just one, I'm picking....
Captain Jean Luc Picard
Stephen Balding is the founder of Cinema Soapbox. You can email him at firstname.lastname@example.org
Todd Reardon is a senior writer and contributor for Cinema Soapbox