It's going to be bloody, vicious, and slightly ridiculous! Welcome to The Versusdome, where two men enter...three men and a baby leave!!
This weeks match-up is Hans "Boobie" Gruber versus Severus Snape.
Todd: Who is the most dapper, smooth, suave villain of all time? Yes, Hans Gruber of the great Nakatomi heist. Has anyone ever dressed or groomed better than this guy, with his uber dollar suits and a beard that would make even Jesus jealous. That beard puts every modern day hipster to shame! This is a guy so confident that he actually strikes a pose when he shoots his pistol to scare hostages. In other words...Euro super-pimp personified. If I were Simon Gruber, I would have developed a speech impediment as well from having to grow up in the shadow of his brother Hans. A master mimic had him spitting Bill Clay lines when he was discovered, hiding the language so well that you can almost hear the false "Baaaaa" from the rest of the hostage sheep. He'll shoot you before you can finish your retort, that's how to the point this guy is. So bad ass that it took an unstoppable machine to take him down.
Stephen: What do you get when you cross fabulous hair with a Mount Rushmore level wizard? You get the total package! Every wizard respected this guy, which immediately means that muggles as far as the eye can see would tremble in fear when they see Snape in action. Harry Potter, the most powerful wizard in the history of everything, named his son after Snape AND on top of that, who taught Harry in school? That's right, Severus Snape himself. No nonsense, no excuses, and no hair ties here, just pure unadulterated wizarding dominance. Who did Dumbledore trust with all of the secrets about he who should not be named? Double S, that's who. It took a double teaming of Voldemort and that two faced, sucker punching snake Nagini to take out Snape. Plus, who was the guy that infiltrated the dark lord of "I've got your nose's" camp? Double O Snape! So let's run down this versatile list. Teacher? Check. Superstar Wizard? Check. Secret Double Agent? Check. Best hair in the business? Check. There is just no beating this guy in a one on one fight.
Todd: Now how does “Boobie” take down Snape? On the surface, this seems to be a huge disadvantage as Hans is a “real” person and Snape is a freakin’ wizard. Hans does not sweat this though with his super cool and calculating ways. Snape has one glaring weakness that hides in plain sight….he is not a fan of getting a tan. The white wizard must have some magical sunscreen as well that goes up to SPF 525. Hans will be enlisting a little help, which he can as henchmen are part of his game, and he calls up his old pal Uli. You remember him don’t you, his twin brother Endo was in Lethal weapon.
Uli walks right into Hogwarts, because he looks like he belongs there, using his ninja skills to “acquire” a magical anti-magic potion. Trust me, they have it there (also, don’t fact check that). He then ninja’s his way into Snape’s quarters to put it into the SPF 525. Now all Hans needs to do is call out Snape in the daylight and wait for him to apply his trusty lotion. Hell, now it just gets ugly. He let’s Snape throw down first and all he gets is an emasculated fizzle from his little stick as Hans grins.
Snape stands there looking stunned, but not just the magictile dysfunction, but truly is in awe of that beard.
Hans, “Yippie-ki-yah-mudder-f*cka”… blam…. Fade to back.
Stephen: If you think for one second that Snape is sweating being taken out by Bill Clay, then you don't understand what he is doing with his life. He went toe to toe with "he who should not be nosed" with no fear, so why would he ever be worried about a glorified bank robber. The entire Nakatomi plan was derailed because one of his dumb goons lost some detonators to a barefoot guy in a heating duct. Hans wouldn't stand a chance against Neville Longbottom, much less one of the best wizards of all time. Something more than sunburn is going to be needed because there are definitely no sunny days at the Hogwarts school of witchcraft and child murder. There is no cutting of power lines at Hogwarts and there is absolutely no FBI. On top of all of this fool proof information, I wouldn't trade 10 Uli's for one Hagrid. So you keep your tiny ninja and give me a 10 foot tall wizard with a dragon and a motorcycle.
Todd: In closing, it all boils down to one little thing. Do you enjoy what you do? Hans loves life and especially loves his and has devoted it to living on a beach one day sipping margaritas and “knowing” as many “Margaritas” as he can. You know Hans had 2-3 prom dates each year he was in school. Snape looks like he has unresolved childhood issues that are on the brink of breaking him down on a genetic level. I don’t even think Snape would care about if he loses or not. Hans would do anything to win and he always looks good doing it. Don’t hold it against him that an unstoppable machine and a cheap watch were his undoing. In truth, we actually never saw Hans’ body taken away and he was falling really, really, really slowly. Can he wield magic as well? Maybe. If this is the case then there is no denying who the true champion here is. You know that the “villain” is always the best of the story and you just can’t get enough of him. Don’t let a miscarriage of justice be Boobie's downfall again. One last thought….. The Beard!!
Stephen: We all have that one teacher or mentor that helped shape what is good about you. As a teacher and head master for Hogwarts, Snape was that and more for so many people. Also as a head master you have to do things to protect the school at times that may make you cross the line. Snape has that hard core ability and is such an innate hard ass that even death eaters fear him, but he is so much more. Even though it's true that he is feared and a hard ass, he knows what it's like to be the underdog to a pretty boy like Hans. Gruber comes off like James Potter 2.0, but a worse version that can't perform magic. Finally an opportunity to get some revenge without hurting Harry Potter in any way. With a flick of the wrist and a swish of that sweet hair, Hans is nothing more than target practice and free therapy. Plus, I'm still not convinced that he just walks past Gringotts without getting distracted by all of those vaults since he is just a fancy dressed bank robber.
Please rise, the honorable Judge Reinhold is presiding. Judge, are you prepared to make your ruling?
After the careful consideration of both sides of the argument, I have decided that it is too close to call and must come down to a tie breaker. All tie breakers happen to be determined by beards, so the winner is Hans Gruber. If you don't like my decision, then I will kick 100% of your ass.
Stephen Balding is the founder of Cinema Soapbox. You can email him at firstname.lastname@example.org
Todd Reardon is a senior writer and contributor for Cinema Soapbox