It's going to be bloody, vicious, and slightly ridiculous! Welcome to The Versusdome, where two men enter...three men and a baby leave!!
This weeks match-up pits children in in a grown man body. It's Jack versus Josh Baskin
Dack: Oh, Jack Powell! Just your average sweet and innocent ten year old boy who has a rare disease that causes him to age four times the rate of an ordinary human. The poor kid just wants to fit in and have an ordinary life. He would be the coolest to hang out with and is it even close? Jack is the type of guy who would buy me my first dirty magazine & quite possibly buy me my first beer. His dad seems pretty chill and his mom "Diane Lane" is smoking hot! I'd play laser tag with Mrs. Powell any day!
Stephen: Anything that can be said about your best friend can go double for Josh Baskin. He can buy you beer if you are underage. He is big enough to beat up that middle school bully. On top of all that, he has a freaking job! How great is it to have a friend that is actually earning the income needed for all of your shenanigans? All of these things could stand alone as to why Josh would win this match up, but let's not forget about that Ace in the Hole. Josh Baskin can score with hot, adult women! Do you remember that one friend in the 6th grade that already knew how to talk to women? Josh Baskin is that kid on steroids.
Dack: Josh Baskin sucks! He's a spoiled, little, sad sack that "wished" to be an adult. Jack, on the other hand, never asked for any of this. He had to adapt and overcome to live a full and happy life. Despite his handicap, his playful personality and group of good buddies helped him figure that out. He found the many benefits of being a ten year old that looks forty. Jack exploits his handicap and makes it into his own in the most hilarious of ways. I don't remember watching Josh Baskin trap a fart in a Folgers's can after he ditched his best friend to become a corporate sellout.
Stephen: Sure on the surface, Jack seems like a fun person to hang around with, but is it fun or just sad and creepy? He's 10 years old and looks 45? Where is the fun in having to wait on your 10 year old friend to finish shaving? Even when it came to giving a speech for his high school graduation, he was 90 years old and literally said the words "I'll make this quick....like my life". Sad! When Josh Baskin is ready to graduate, he will be at a terrific time in his life, not rocking a gray bush at the end of his life.
Dack: Ladies and gentlemen; the choice is obvious here. Jack is as genuine as it comes when talking about having the best of buddies. He is kind, gentle, and would always stick by your side. He is an inspiration and a hero. I mean, think about it, do you really want to be around some Forrest Gump looking dude that doesn't even own a shrimping boat? Do you really want the guy who is so fed up with life that he has to use Zoltar to change his fortunes? Or do you want the guy who adapts and overcomes obstacles making you a better person as his friend in the process? The answer is clear. Jack Powell beats Josh Baskin every time. My last request to the court is this ... No matter the outcome here, please ban Fran Drescher from ever acting or speaking again. That is the true tragedy here.
Stephen: Ladies and gentlemen of the court.....Do you love your grandparents? Would you want a friend that at 16 is older than them? That answer is a resounding no. You want someone to have silly string fights with, one that knows your favorite song, one that is kick ass at riding bikes and picking up women. You want Josh Baskin. You NEED Josh Baskin. You need someone who is an adult from the mystical powers of a Zoltar machine, not from a birth defect. The choice here is obvious, all you need to do is make it.
Please rise, the honorable Judge Judy is presiding. Your honor, are you ready to drop the needle on a verdict?
Both of you have made strong arguments, but don't pee on my leg and tell me that it's raining gentlemen. The clear winner here is Jack and I'm ashamed at both of you for not seeing this on your own. Now get out of my courtroom.
Stephen Balding is the founder of Cinema Soapbox. You can email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dack Crenshaw is a writer and contributor for Cinema Soapbox.