It's going to be bloody, vicious, and slightly ridiculous! Welcome to The Versusdome, where two men enter...three men and a baby leave!!
This weeks match-up is Johnny 5 versus The Terminator T-800.
Stephen – Johnny 5 is not only alive, he is a mild mannered robot with a heart of gold and he is a great friend. Johnny 5 was also a prototype S.A.I.N.T. (Strategic Artificially Intelligent Nuclear Transport) that was built for combat in the effing Cold War! What do you get when you cross your best friend with a high powered military equipped robot? You get a pal you can ride on the back of (literally) and ask to shoot lasers at your tormentors. Sure Johnny 5 doesn’t want to hurt anyone, but if you push him, then he will push back at the same time doing a killer John Wayne impression. He even has a sense of humor and feelings due to that fateful lightning strike and is the absolute life of the party. Let’s face it, you want Johnny 5 to be your friend, but you need Johnny 5 to be your protector.
Stephen G. – The T-800, a cybernetic organism with living tissue over an endoskeleton, is a killing machine fit to exterminate mankind. Crafted with the sole purpose of wiping the remnants of the human race off the face of the Earth, The Terminator will stop at nothing to eliminate its target. If you see one of these things coming at you naked, be careful, because he will not only whip your ass, he will leave you butt-naked. Equipped with super strength and everlasting endurance, The Terminator will follow through with his mission even if it means its own mortality. His eyes don’t cry, but they do have night vision and facial-profiling capabilities. It’s no problemo when it comes to any firearm or explosive ordinance known to man. But when it comes to social skills? Well, not so much. If you are fortunate enough to have one of these on your side then you have a powerful ally, but if the Terminator’s mission is to eliminate you? Hasta la vista, baby.
Stephen – His eyes don’t cry, his face doesn’t move, and the T-800 is an all-around drag. Hasta la Vista, baby? I just fell asleep typing that out and still need to take a nap before driving a car again. Johnny 5 is a military grade robot that is spitting lines like “Hey, laser lips, your mama was a snow blower” or “Oscar you will not get away! Now I am PISSED OFF!” Johnny 5 is funny. Johnny 5 has street cred (ever hear of the gang he joined, Los Locos?). Johnny 5 is effing alive! The T-800 is so lame that he never even got a name. On top of that, he never even stops with that one mission to stop and look around in an attempt to not be a bummer. Do you know what you call a guy walking around naked looking to beat people up? A pervert, that’s what you call him. Give me Johnny 5 any day.
Stephen G. – What do you get when you cross Jar Jar Binks with a cliche 80s boombox? You guessed it, our trash-talking friend here Johnny 5. Sure Johnny 5 may have a gang of gang-bangin’ gangstas, but someone else on his side prevents him from ever becoming a “hero”. His name is Ben Jabituya. Supposedly, he is from Bakersfield originally, but his ancestors come from Pittsburgh. He enjoys working on robots, and informing people about his “tremendous woody”. I don’t about you folks, but I think this guy is not to be trusted. I think he’s a spy. Listen to that accent… that’s not real PEOPLE! Don’t be fooled! Johnny 5 keeps interesting company if you ask me. I think the CIA would be interested in his “friend” *cough*comrade*cough*. The T-800 has no secrets. His orders are his life. The Terminator is a trusted and proven father figure. After all, he was the pseudo father figure for the father of the revolution who would eventually send said T-800 to the past to protect and serve as a father figure he never had because his father was sent from the future… right?
Stephen – I think all of us are rational people. I also think that the majority of us are also forgiving in nature, so this pains me to say. The T-800 was sent back in time to murder and you can NOT in good conscience cast your vote for a murderer. Johnny 5 may have been in a gang and had a troubled past, but he has a good heart and soul.....er programming. The T-800 has not secrets, his orders ARE his life, and his orders are to murder. Are there some issues with good buddy Ben? Umm...let's just say that accent/makeup/suit are a little "insensitive", but that shouldn't reflect on Johnny 5 and all of the good that he does. Johnny may be numbered 5, but he is number 1 in our hearts.
Stephen G. – It’s a pretty open and shut case to me. The T-800 doesn’t take no crap from nobody. He’s loyal to a fault. Both our contenders here are robots, and when it comes to electronics of any kind you either go big or you go home. I don’t think Johnny 5 could even make it up a flight of stairs much less take on The Terminator in combat. When it comes to social situations and which would be the better compadre? Well just take a look at this smile folks and you tell me you wouldn’t want him hosting your dinner parties.
Please rise, the honorable Judge Paula Abdul is presiding. Judge Abdul are you prepared to rule?
After careful consideration, you are both beautiful and have filled my heart and America's heart with such joy. There can be only one winner though and this pains me to have to just pick one. I'm mean how do you pick just one of.......shut up Simon!.... The winner is T-800!
Stephen Balding is the founder of Cinema Soapbox. You can contact him at Stephen@Cinemasoapbox.net
Stephen Gipson is a writer and contributor for Cinema Soapbox